
It was in the mid 80’s that Hulkamania ran wild. For fellas like myself, little more mattered than watching the larger than life strongmen, cartoons really, (which they would later go on to be, along with action figures, ice cream bars,etc) beat up the bad guys. In those days the Saturday morning ire fell upon the cheaters, rule breakers, and of course the dreaded commies (when the Cold War thawed, enemy combatants were replaced by any perceived threat to Uncle Sam-talking to you, Iran). Life was simple then, if not a bit sheepish with the profiling. Right and wrong was a showcase on those early weekend mornings, after roller derby and before The Smurfs. And the heroes usually won, conveniently just as the program was reaching its closing credits. It was real to us.
Whatever happened to the age of innocence and spandex? The case could be made that we grew up and found out it was fake. Our lives were pulled into sports, girls, pop culture. It was time to get real. The (then) WWF was child’s play. Child’s play for the drag racing, spittoon carrying backwoods types.
So what would spur someone in his mid 30’s to attend an episode of WWE Monday Night RAW, the longest running weekly episodic program of our times? Nostalgia? The opportunity to judge others? Investigative reporting to determine why the Vince McMahon traveling carnival is a financial and ratings juggernaut? All of the above, likely. And before I knew it, I was sitting in the nosebleeds at US Bank Arena in Cincinnati. It was episode 1,001. It was a balmy and busy Monday night downtown. It was RAW. It was about to get loud.

We waited outside amongst thousands of fanatics until five minutes before the program aired live on the USA Network. We, being myself and a twenty year closeted fan who was both the only willing participant and someone convinced that he was too old for this, which did little to inspire confidence in my own seasoned eyes. The fanatics in question were a melting pot diverse in age, gender and creed; most carried signs, almost all wore shirts of a favorite grappler. It was like Comic-Con for nerds carrying a mutant testosterone gene, the manliest take on cosplay I have ever witnessed. And we all made a mad dash to our seats so close to the opening bell because the pyro check from earlier had set the building ablaze. I suspected The Iron Sheik, before realizing he must be closer to the next world than the current.
Inside was a four cornered ring, dressed in bright red tones and minute in size in comparison to its television counterpart. TV adds fifteen pounds to humans, 1,500 pounds to padded battle domes. In a flashback that seemed too real, I found myself strolling towards the ring as if I were to live out a boyhood fantasy. Security in these parts is tougher than the tag team champions; I was escorted to my seats, along the clouds.
Foregoing the seven dollar sodas and thirty dollar T-shirts, I watched as little kids cheered their superhero; I frowned as grown adults booed the children on behalf of their chosen star. I wanted to tell them that this was fake, but the reality is that they already knew. It is insulting to even suggest this. Does anyone truly believe that Jack Bauer really saves the world on 24? Suspension of belief is no different here.
Chants broke out into the arena, reminiscent of an English soccer match. They were preset, the continuation of a trend carried over from weeks prior. In the ring, two men appeared to froth at the mouth, anxious to tear into one another. Instead, they simply taunt, an odd choice given the venue. I watch as the scripted boss is hit with a chair; the uniformed police surrounding the ring think not of pressing assault charges. I watch as a villain pins his man, illegally tugging at his tights; I wonder how they have not instituted instant replay. And I watch as the finale happens, tying no ends and leaving a myriad of unresolved questions behind. I think I’ll tune in next week.

I sat next to that twenty year old, who turned into a ten year old halfway through the card. As for myself, I’ll plead the fifth as I wear my new plastic championship belt replica. To my right sat a lawyer; behind me a middle class family of four; a fraternity field trip to the front. A man who must have graduated with my grandfather passed me in the hall. A woman decked in business casual strolled beside us as we attempted to locate the car. As it was on our way in, in our seats and throughout the show, we were tempted with merchandise as we exited. Nice, bright pastel gear that would only be suitable at this very event. Still, I felt that I had to have it. Stockholm Syndrome? No. Sleeper Hold Hysteria, perhaps.
The players change but the game is constant. The themes are the same as in literature, a Shakespearean performance, scripted by wordsmiths and portrayed by hybrid thespian warriors. These days, it is common for the full transition, as guys like The Rock command hefty salaries in Tinseltown, but for most of the performers they are living out a dream that guys like myself swore we one day would. We are parents now, understanding why our own patriarchs would not purchase every doll or trinket when we were the young demographic to the squared circle. They came in a flash, accompanied by production trucks and jumbo jets, stayed for a few hours and hit the road to the next town, nomads of entertainment.

Even a pyrotechnic incident during rehearsal at Cincinnati's U.S. Bank Arena couldn't stop episode 1,001.
But they promised to return in a year, and I will wait in my ridiculous garb until they do, because the magic is back-it never really left, I did. From the days of Bobo Brazil selling out Madison Square Garden to the red and yellow express that was Hulk Hogan, professional wrestling is as strong as it ever was now. A social media maestro that offers fan interaction and accessibility like no other venue of entertainment, it is our embarrassing, loud uncle that we hold dear. It is, for better or worse, an American tradition.
Just don’t try it at home. And don’t tell a soul.